i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
