i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
