after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
