What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
