well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
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