i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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