you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
