woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
