Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
