My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
