i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
