I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
