So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
