I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
