You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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