If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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