New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
