Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
