Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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