I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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