don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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