You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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