i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
