I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
