Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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