There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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