Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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