if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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