The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my shit smells like andre
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
