Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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