All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
