You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
