I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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