I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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