I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
