He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
