I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she pinky promised me she was 18
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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