I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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