i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
