Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
