if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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