Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
