My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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