She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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