dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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