What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
