i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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