I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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