I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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