he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
